The good, the bad, and the ugly of the last 11 months since I was diagnosed in September.

Continuing this post from Part 1 really makes me think of that scene in The Princess Bride where the grandpa goes, “Where were we? Ah yes, in the pit of despair,” which is truly what it felt like. I went to my PCP appointment with my list of symptoms (the “evidence” as I called it), and shared with her that I believed I had ADHD. Looking back on it, I feel a bit silly that I expected her to agree and just hand over a prescription for meds.

What actually happened was that she listened to my concerns, asked me “How did you do in school?” (a major eye roll here…I loved school and therefore did great in school, because ADHD-ers can actually focus on things they are interested in), and agreed that it did sound like I had ADHD. She did not, however, write me a prescription as she’s an ethical physician, and said that it’s not within her scope to diagnose ADHD, instead offering me a referral to Psychiatry for the next step in my process. I left that appointment, came home, and cried into Clayton’s shoulder as it didn’t go how I expected, and I had to do more work, more phone calls, and more waiting before getting some answers and hopefully a prescription that could help.

After having myself a little cry and taking a couple of days to recover from how disappointed I was, I got a referral from a friend for a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and shockingly got in the next week for an appointment. I brought Clayton to this appointment with me, which was great for my anxiety and overall feelings of support (TIP—bring a person who “experiences” you to your appointment if you can, as it’s helpful to the doc/NP to have additional data sources).

GETTING DIAGNOSED

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The first thing the NP asked me was, “So, what makes you think you have ADHD?,” to which I responded, “Well I’m glad you asked, let me pull out a list of symptoms I made,” and proceeded to rattle down the list and explain each one. After what felt like a short amount of time, I looked up and said, “Do you want me to keep going?” and she said, “No that’s okay…I think I have enough information…” leading me to feel immediately embarrassed and like I went too far too fast. She then proceeded to ask me her assessment questions related to the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-V (the diagnostic “bible” for mental disorders), concluding that she did indeed believe I have ADHD.** I left her office with a prescription for 5 mg of XR Adderall.

**At this point it’s important for me to share that there isn’t a standard protocol for assessing and diagnosing ADHD—it truly depends on the provider you go to. The gold standard would definitely be to get a full psychological evaluation done to rule out any other diagnoses, but those are lengthy and also can cost a few thousand dollars. There are also unfortunately clinicians who do not “believe” that women can have ADHD (I wish I was kidding) and will collect your money and send you off with no diagnosis and a lot of frustration.

STARTING STIMULANTS

Growing up with a mother with extreme health anxiety and a full-fledged phobia of taking medication, I have it programmed in me that all medication is bad and that it will eff up my body in some way, so I did have some anxious feels about starting a stimulant. There was also this weird feeling I was getting, similar to imposter syndrome, where I felt like I was “faking” having ADHD—I’ve gone 34 years of my life without having this dx, why do I all of a sudden need meds when I clearly can get by?

That was the issue in itself—I was just getting by. Experiencing life with the help of a stimulant brought up SO many feelings for me…excitement, pride, hope…I was finally getting things done and feeling like I had energy! It also brought up such an INSANE amount of grief, shame, and anger—how things would’ve been different had I know this sooner, I can’t believe my parents and teachers didn’t notice this earlier, this explains so much and now I feel like I have to apologize to so many people for my past behavior, you’re telling me now that other people just feel like this all the time, and I have to take meth in order to feel “normal”?!

On top of that, I definitely hyperfixated on ADHD. I was seeing it everywhere, in everyone, in everything I did. I watched all the tiktoks, did all the research, bought all the books. It became my whole personality, to the point where I couldn’t help but mention it in every conversation I had. I felt so ANNOYING and was annoying myself with how I just couldn’t shut up or stop thinking about it. It became really overwhelming and all-consuming and looking back, I think I burnt myself out at this stage.

Adderall ended up not being the right medication for me, as it eventually started wreaking havoc on my sleep. I tried a few more stimulants—Vyvanse, Focalin, attempted Mydayis ($300 a month, no thank you)—and landed on Adzenys. This trial-and-error period really added to my burnout, as stimulants are hard on the body, yet alone my super-sensitive-to-meds body, and I was feeling really sleep deprived and drained. I ended up having to add a sleep aid, which felt really weird…so I have to take a stimulant to get through my day, and trazodone to sleep at night? Cue the shame—what is wrong with me that I can’t function without meds?

BREAKING

The winter months rolled around and every year I fall into a deep depression—the combination of seasonal affective disorder and scheduling burnout over the holidays really annihilates me. This winter (we’re in February 2024 now for timing purposes) was particularly tough, as our foster dog was at risk of being put down for his fear aggression (spoiler alert, we adopted him and saved his life) and I was dealing with some work stuff that sent my anxiety through the roof. I broke.

Now when I say that I broke, here is what I mean. I was so anxious that my heart rate was over 100 throughout the day, I was sleeping like shit, I was crying all of the time, and I was SO stressed about having a new dog that I didn’t plan on having. I ended up clocking 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and that was when I knew I had to stop taking stimulants. Our bodies need sleep, the ultimate form of rest, to recover from the stress we put it through every day. I wasn’t getting sleep, getting stressed the F out daily on top of the stress I was already holding, and still trying to play it cool every day (also known as masking, trying to appear like a normal person). I am fairly certain that I went into adrenal fatigue, as stimulants do drain your adrenals. I stopped taking my stimulant.

TRYING AGAIN

After a month off medication, I decided to go back to my prescriber and requested to try Strattera, which is a non-stimulant and SNRI. I also began working with an ADHD coach, as I was on a break from therapy. I guess I forgot to mention that too—in my hard months earlier this year, I still hadn’t found the right fit in a therapist, and was feeling super discouraged and drained from the commute and sessions that just…weren’t it. I even had tried a therapist who “specialized” in ADHD, who was 15 minutes late to our intake session, still ended it on time, and talked about herself and her book the whole time. Therefore, I took a break, and started coaching with an ADHD coach I found on TikTok, Kelly Baumgartner.

The Strattera and the coaching was exactly what I needed. The meds calmed my racing thoughts, regulated my emotions, and decreased my impulsivity. On top of that, I was processing how ADHD was showing up in my life, and learning strategies and tools that were ADHD-specific with Kelly. Don’t get it twisted, l think therapy is necessary and essential to growth and healing, but damn, sometimes I just need someone to tell me what do. She and I worked primarily on task initiation, emotional regulation, organization, money management, and doing less. She also ran group body-doubling sessions that I found invaluable—nothing like other people working alongside you to really help you get sh*t done. I just had my last session with her this past Monday, and will be forever grateful for the role she played in my ADHD journey.

NOW

I wish I could say the med portion was over, but it’s still ongoing. After titrating up to 60mg to Strattera, I have since dropped back down to 25mg—the dosage I felt my best (and slept my best) and will try an instant release stimulant on some days that I just need the extra help (whenever my pharmacy gets it in stock). Due to feeling more chill and less anxious (and not masking as much), I’m still having difficulty with focusing and getting things done.

I still have my days where I feel like ADHD is yet another burden I’ve been forced to carry, but ultimately am thankful for the clarity and validation my diagnosis brought me. I have done a lot of work to reframe that it’s not a disorder, I just have a different kind of brain, which has really helped with the shame and grief I felt for a long time. Shame and grief still show up, as they do, but they aren’t as loud as they used to be, because I know I am not alone in this. Since I was diagnosed and started sharing a bit about that part of my life, 3 friends and 4 clients have also gotten diagnosed.

Here’s a podcast I did with my best friend, Alex, who got diagnosed with ADHD soon after recording.

ADHD is so underdiagnosed in women, mainly because it presents so differently than what we learned ADHD is “supposed to look like.” Turns out, my hyperfixation on ADHD education and making ADHD my whole personality ended up helping a lot of other women think that they, too, might have it. It’s never too late to seek a diagnosis that might change your life.